That Time Guy Fieri Destroyed Iowa
An episode of Diners, Drive-ins, and Dives where Guy reveals he's an extraterrestrial sent to evaluate Earth. He notifies us, simultaneously in every human language, that we've failed. And as a warning, he destroys Iowa.
We are speechless and terrified when we discover how thorough he is. For where Iowa was, there isn't a huge desolate wasteland or an empty crater. There is nothing. Illinois is suddenly bordering Nebraska. Every United States flag in existence instantly contains only 49 stars.
Books and databases containing population counts are now 3 million smaller. People who were traveling from Iowa never booked the 7th floor room overlooking the Potomac. People born in Iowa, whose birth certificates were from the "State of Iowa" now said Missouri. Or Kansas.
We were ready to go to war. Special forces from across the world, from allies and enemies alike, came to the US to help eliminate the threat of Guy Fieri.
But no one could find him. Friends and coworkers couldn't tell anyone anything of substance. His wife, in shock, realized she knew nothing about his life before their first meeting.
Guy Fieri was a ghost. We continued to search, but he was never found in time.
It was foolish though to think it was over, to think that a man who was so thorough in his destruction of a place's existence to leave the minds of his victims alone.
Soon we, too, began to forget. We watched as one by one the people around us forgot. And we wondered when someone would watch us forget. About Iowa. About our loved ones. About our existential anger.
About our fear of a single man.
I write this now hoping that this account will be spared. It is a small hope, but it's all I have. I know I'm due. The anger is no longer there. I struggle to spell Iooa correctly. More than once I've woken up to a note reminding me of Iooa, thinking it was just a drunken scrawl.
If you're reading this, heed my, no, our warning. This happened. If we don't change it's possible it will happen again. It might have already happened.
...But would it be so bad to forget? Ignorance is bliss, they say, and it's been so long since I've been happy. So long...