This Manly Man

You, sir, are grindin' for your State.
~Lee Battle

I'm here today to speak about the most important man here today at HOBY. He is only one man, but if you counted him in man units, you would die before you even came close. This man is so freakin' amazing, he puts The Most Interesting Man in the World to shame. Of course, I'm talking about the one and only, Lee Battle.

Battleaxe, as he is known by those who fear him, cannot be described with mere words, but that is the best way I know to speak about his might. This man puts his pants on two legs at a time. You cannot gaze up on this man for more than three minutes; any longer and you would go blind for days. This man, this manly man, ties his shoelaces using his feet.

If you don't have the picture yet, Lee Battle, this manly man, will make you. before this weekend is over you will respect him, you will love him, and you will fear him. Chuck Norr- I mean Lee Battle is worthy of any praise you can give him this weekend.

If you think you can handle it, shake this man's hand. This man, this manly man, Lee Battle.

Valedictorian Speech

How did it get so late so soon?
It's night before it's afternoon.
December is here before it's June.
My goodness how the time has flewn.
How did it get so late so soon?

There are three types of criers in this room tonight. Moms here are crying because their little snooky wookums is leaving them. Dads are crying because, now, more of their money is leaving. Younger brothers and sisters are crying because their chores are not leaving and now they're going to have to do all of them.

Everybody here probably already knows who I am, but just as a reminder, I'm Jacob Roeland, geek extraordinaire. Oh and if you are new around here or just plain forgot, let me just remind you that the bathrooms are in the lobby area in the back. If you're not sure where that is, ask anyone but these guys on the floor because they'll probably ask you to bring back some tissues.

But you know, there really is a fourth crier in here tonight, us graduates. We're crying, whether we show it or not.

We're crying because everything we've ever known is about to change. High School is something that all of us wearing these fancy hats are comfortable, and happy, with, whether we'll admit it or not. And that ends tonight. We're changing from something that we know, and sometimes love, and heading out into the unknown. We're about to enter the "real world", a world where a kiss from Mom can't always solve everything, a world where you won't get a slap in the back of the head from Dad because you've messed up. And that scares us.

We're crying because we're leaving loved ones behind. Moms, Dads, Friends, Grandparents, Aunts and Uncles, Dogs, Cats, Horses, Rabbits, Ferrets, and yes even that younger, annoying sister. We're leaving many friends behind still in school as we go to college or start careers. We're trading the ability to see them every day to see them only once on the weekend. We're crying because we won't be able to see our parents at the end of every day like we're used to. And that hurts us, even if we don't show it.

But you want to know the real reason? We're crying because of these dadgum gowns. This gown is just another symbol of high school to us. We know that as soon as the pictures are over and the robes come off, we'll get our diploma and high school will officially be over for us. There are no more tests, no more jokes in the hallway, no more Bloons Tower Defense in the computer labs, no more laughing in the classroom. So yeah I guess you can say that we have the right to be crying right now. Well the fact that it's like 120 degrees in here doesn't help either.

I started with Dr. Seuss and I'll end with Dr. Seuss.

You have brains in your head.
You have feet in your shoes.
You can steer yourself in any direction you choose.
You're on your own.
And you know what you know.
You are the guy who'll decide where to go.